Welcome to Declassified, a weekly comedy column.
The UK’s next Prime Minister will need the support of as many high-profile figures as possible, and the race is on to get the biggest name of all on board.
No, not the man coming out of 10 Downing Street, Boris Johnson, whose preferences are (in order): himself, his wife, Dilyn the dog, the ashes of Winston Churchill, Liz Truss, Ursula von der Leyen, Nicola Sturgeon, Michael Gove and Rishi Sunak.
The real prize is American singer Taylor Swift.
Rumors that Truss thought “Taylor Swift” was a bespoke version of the international payment system were unconfirmed at press time. In fact, Truss has the inside lane to get Swift’s much-needed backing, having posed for a photo with her – and posting it to Instagram – at an awards show in 2019 when she was Chief Secretary to the Treasury (Truss, not Swift, who as far as I know has never held a senior position in the UK Treasury). Close too quoted the lyrics to Swift’s song “The Man” in the House of Commons during a debate on International Women’s Day in 2020.
Truss’ opponent, Sunak, is trailing poorly in the Swift contest, having only gone to see her in concert with his wife.
Of course, it doesn’t matter what music a politician listens to, as long as a) he’s doing his job well and b) it’s not Ed Sheeran; but they keep getting asked what their favorite bands and songs are (remember when Gordon Brown lied about listening to the Arctic Monkeys? Shudder).
This week, In a bid to get some insight into the person behind the policy, TV channel GB News inexplicably again asked Truss to name something people might not know about her, and she replied that she liked 80s music and a bit of karaoke. Her favorite karaoke tune? “I want to dance with someone (who loves me)” by Whitney Houston.
Sunak’s favorite karaoke is unknown, but he told The Times in 2021 that he was ‘supposed to go to Coachella’ when he became chancellor and that his best tunes during lockdown were by The Weeknd and Alicia Keys .
However, neither contestant has yet received the ultimate honor: becoming a dancefloor star. It happened to another likely future prime minister, Italy’s Giorgia Meloni, whose speech in which she described herself as ‘a woman, a mother, an Italian and a Christian’ was set to a dance beat and is gone viral.
“The Conservative Party is not a sinking ship and I don’t know what gave you that impression.”
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Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best of our mailbag – there’s no price other than the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than money or booze.
“Are you sure you’re from Uber, picking me up?” by Frederic Myers.
Paul Dalison is POLITICSthe slot machine news publisher.