Greg Gutfeld: President Biden should ask for forgiveness, not hand it out

So let’s take a look at all the things that pissed me off. In addition to the look when I buy clothes in the boys department. It’s not my fault.

First, Biden’s notes are so far down the toilet that they could say hello to Chris Wallace. It’s so bad, I hear Biden’s new strategist is Roto-Rooter. Wow, just a chuckle. I thought it would work. So it’s no wonder he’s talking about forgiving student loans again, when really Joe should be asking for forgiveness, not handing it out. Forgiveness for Afghanistan, for having weighed down the economy, for having farted in front of the royal family. This bomb was so powerful that the queen thought the Germans were beating again.

Now they want to forgive ten thousand dollars, which is about what Hunter paid for a weekend hooker. Of course, this is a Hail Mary pass or, for those confused, a Hail Larry. It’s intended to appeal to young voters ahead of the midterm elections, which should crush the Dems like a dozen eggs under Brian Stelter’s box spring. Wait, did I say voters? I meant Democratic voters, those too dumb to realize they’re trading their future for a quick payout.

So they take your money to bribe people who hate you to re-elect the same monsters who demonize you daily. It’s a Democratic birthday party, and you’re the piñata. But like Geraldo’s ex-wives, these people don’t need the money. It’s not about a food stamp or welfare program, it’s about transferring money from the working class to the wealthy and upper middle class who vacationed in Aspen while running up college debt because regular people have to take second jobs or like me who paid for college by making deposits in sperm banks. A part belonged to me.

Think of all the AOCs in the world. She’s the whiner who claims she can’t live on six figures as she rides around in a Tesla with her French bulldog. I think it was his dog, either that or his fiancée. They call you racist. You can tell which Tesla is his, it’s the one dragging an extension cord.

But it is immoral. This is theft. I talk like Pelosi as she hands her Amex card to her plastic surgeon. And if your blood isn’t boiling over it, you must be better than a former Clinton associate. Think of all those people who have paid off their student loans. You know, it’s like paying a prostitute for sex and then finding out she’s giving it to your neighbors for free. That’s why we divorced. It’s getting worse.

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House Dems blocked a police defunding scheme, while receiving ten thousand dollars each to bolster their home security. See, it’s that ten grand again, why? Because they assume everyone will just call it silly change. But who is the jerk? It’s us. Because we are paying for the security of people who refuse to give us the same security during, thanks to them, the worst crime wave of my life.

You know, what is that old saying? “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.” It’s not strong enough. How about not putting a dump on my head and telling me it’s a mudslide. I disgust you all. But remember, when the cities were burning and the cops were getting killed, they said, “Let’s have fewer cops.” The Kamasutra doesn’t have that many ways to fuck people.

Now you see why these scam artists got into the business, so that they could be exempted from the punishment they inflict on others. They can screw you, but you can’t screw them back. Al Capone had nothing on these people. Politics is as organized as crime is. At least the gangsters didn’t pretend to help you by blind robbing you. But that’s how it works. They create laws for us and not for them.

Gavin Newsom met friends for lunch while the rest of LA had to wrap up like mummies. The president’s son has a life that would make Charlie Sheen blush. Nancy Pelosi’s husband walked away from a DUI. But I guess if I went back to Nancy, I’d chug a few shots of jet fuel. And finally, a senior FBI agent allegedly tried to increase the number of cases of domestic violence and violent extremism. Which means, as we suspected, they were gaslighting us and not in the fun way that involved a trip to Taco Bell and a flick of a Bic lighter an hour later.

So while true crime raged on, they imagined a threat that would hopefully end up being you. It’s no surprise that they’ve already targeted parents, Trumpers, anyone near the Capitol on Jan. 6. I’m surprised they didn’t come after me, and I’m glad they didn’t. I would not survive prison. I would be one of the prizes in a deck of cards. I would become someone’s bitch faster than Colbert became Biden’s. “So what’s good for the goose is good for the gander,” the guy said, zipping up his zipper as he approached a very frightened gander. I feel dirty.

TYRUS: You also?

Yes. But we have to make sure they feel the consequences of their actions, and how? We have to play their game once the Republicans take over the House, if they want to bribe people with your money, let’s do the same with their money. Get all those Gender Studies graduates to pay for your favorite projects. How about NRA instruction courses for teachers? How about funding the student rather than the school, so that people have real choice in education.

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And let’s take loan forgiveness, but make overpaid colleges pay back the dough, pay back the crap. They have it coming. You send Billy to Harvard for $73,000 a year, and he comes home at Christmas with a new pronoun, a pair of local boobs, and a hatred for America, I think you got a bad deal. Poor Billy. When it comes to crime, they cheered on incoherent crowds heading to the homes of Supreme Court justices, which is ironic when the president, their biggest cheerleader, can’t even find his.

Meanwhile, the idiot New York Governor has been directing people to Lee Zeldin’s rallies to disrupt them. It’s time for revenge. What if the thugs who just came out went to the neighborhoods of progressive prosecutors and anti-cop Democrats? Just invest funds in halfway houses right next to theirs. Make Alvin Bragg or George Gascon worry about crime just like you do. You know, it works right now with immigration. All these false sanctuary cities must now follow suit. It’s time to taste their medicine. I mean, isn’t that how vaccines work?

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So pull your pants down and lean into the Democratic politicians. It won’t hurt too much, I promise.