Since necessity is the mother—now “the person giving birth”—of invention, I finally found a cure for the nonsensical things we hear and see while trying to endure modern sports.
It is a portable battery operated gadget. Rather than suffer the absurd, this device provides instant relief at the touch of a button. Hell, how would we have known “Mama’s Family” was supposed to be funny without a laugh track?
I used it all week. Works very well.
Saturday’s Ohio State-Indiana game on CBS began with a kickoff that was not returned by IU. Player Brad Nessler then dutifully said, “So we’ll immediately see who’s jogging to play quarterback. »
We could think. But CBS then presented and stuck to a wide, tall shot of the stadium that showed thousands of people no bigger than dots. Since IU had yet to declare her starter, wasn’t CBS ready to provide the answer? Who knows? And who cares? My laugh machine was on!
On Sunday, while Rutgers were playing Northwestern on the UK Sport Network (heard here on WFAN), an advert aired for one of these betting operations targeting suckers.
Moments later, gaming man Chris Carlin read out a public service announcement advising listeners to avoid becoming a victim of “fraud or scam”. Do your business, laughing machine!
Thursday I had watched about six hours of US Open tennis on ESPN. The E stands for Excess, which ESPN applies to destroy everything from big league baseball to little league baseball.
Not once in my hours of viewing has a point been brought up without being immediately followed by commentary from at least two ESPN experts. Even the most obvious plays – a double fault or a wide return – could not be free of intrusive, unnecessary analysis and worthless fillers such as “he (or she) must step up”.
By design, ESPN adopted Moose Johnston’s tennis coverage, the yak from point to next serve wouldn’t suffer from those sitting nearby.
It used to annoy me, like ads for drugs that treat depression but “can cause suicidal thoughts.” But with my new laugh machine, anger has been replaced by fun.
By the way, how did the former tennis greats compete without clenching their fists after earning points? And when did the polite and appreciative spectators of tennis begin to include many loud, attention-seeking drinkers behaving like college freshmen with fake IDs?
On Saturday, ESPN+ featured a sitcom in which Ole Miss was forced to throw 41 times for 523 yards and six touchdowns to beat Mercer, 73-7. Ole Miss season ticket holders forced to pay for this pay-to-kill provided the joke’s internal laugh track.
Saturday’s Virginia-Tennessee game on ABC/ESPN was suddenly interrupted by “breaking news.”
Good God, now what?
From the studio, host Kevin Negahandi, aided by video, broke the ‘breaking news’: Iowa had taken a 7-0 lead against Utah St. It pushed the limits of my laugh gimmick, but it held on.
Friday’s Novak Djokovic-Laslo Djere game started so late it was a fuhgeddaboudit before it started. Thus, the five-set “epic” remained largely invisible as it ended at 1:30 a.m. due to a busy schedule on the center court of the US Open. I slept for a long time next to my laughing device.
On Saturday, the laugh track was fully engaged as ESPN presented Oklahoma with a rushing attack to score a touchdown to make it 52-0 in a 73-0 final against Arkansas St.
On Saturday, Syracuse threw 33 times for seven touchdowns and 406 yards to beat Colgate, 65-0 in a “competition” payoff.
As Fox’s screaming machine, Gus Johnson led a three-hour worship service Saturday for new Colorado coach Deion Sanders. Johnson, who approved the forcible transfer or outright dismissal of 71 players by ‘Coach Prime’ in favor of his rookies – it didn’t happen to Johnson, after all – failed to note two things about “Prime Coach”.
1) He founded a charter school in scandal-ridden Texas, which he modestly named Prime Academy to “do good in the neighborhood.” After 2½ years, the school closed amid an avalanche of unpaid administrators, contract teachers, dilapidated buildings, allegedly mis-spent public funds and broken promises to black parents and hundreds of their children, mainly thinking about university sports scholarships.
2) He became the mostly black Jackson St. head coach for Colorado weeks after telling CBS’s “60 Minutes” that he took the JSU job two years earlier because ” I truly believe with all my heart and with all my soul that God has called me, come together”. , and I had to accept the charges.
Boring is spelled ESPN
WHAT God uses as a laughter tracking device is not known. I even googled it.
Back to ESPN. Reader Mach Draft: “Can ESPN televise a baseball game without attaching a microphone to the players on the field? First of all, it’s boring. Second, it’s boring. But it’s mostly annoying.”
On Sunday night, Karl Ravetch, ESPN’s MLB play-by-play manager with Yanks-Astros, asked second baseman Jose Altuve to name his favorite Taylor Swift song. Swift and ESPN are attached to the Disney corporate portfolio.
As for Altuve, on Tuesday he homered in his first three at bats against Texas. It reminded me of Mike Francesa’s authoritative dismissal of Altuve as “just a singles hitter.” Altuve had 395 doubles, 31 triples and 207 homers.
But Francesa was BLT – before the laugh track. Hell, if only my laugh tracker had existed for Roger Goodell’s impassioned assertion that legalized gambling on NFL games would be detrimental to civilized society.
Foge Fazio, who coached Pitt football in the 1980s, complained that no matter if his teams won, boosters were more concerned with whether they were covering the spread.
On Saturday, with six seconds remaining and Penn State beating West Virginia, 31-15, PSU, at the WVU 6-yard line, he was reasonably expected to drop to his knees to end it. Instead, backup QB Beau Pribula ran it for a TD, thus Happy Valley became Ka-Ching Mountain as PSU covered both the gap and the pass.
It was such a suspicious ending, almost too obvious to have been designed to serve Coach James Franklin’s approval rating among Nittany Lions players, to be what it felt like.
But this is the year 2023. Anyone with a credit card, regardless of their credit status, is encouraged to bet on sports for commercial purposes, such as selling tires, even though there is a good chance that the tires are flat. Ball games, like flat tires, can be repaired.
What was supposed to happen is happening. And there are many more things to come.
Who’ll Stop the Rain? Since this week, with the arrest of 33-year-old employee Jarvis Jones, at least 14 members of the national football champions Georgia Bulldogs have been ticketed for speeding and/or reckless driving since January 15.
Perhaps we should be grateful that there were only two deaths.