Age: About a month.
Appearance: Just, like, heaps and heaps of baked beans.
Well, that sounds delicious. It’s anything but. Beaning is an act of cruel intimidation and the perpetrators are dealers in pure evil.
Truly? What does beaning involve? OK, hang on. Beaning is the act of buying an unusually large quantity of beans and then throwing them at someone’s house.
Oh I get it. Like egging. No, not at all like egging. Egging is when you throw eggs at someone’s house. Beaning is throwing beans at someone’s house. It is much worse.
Law. Because boxes can break windows. No, nobody throws away the boxes. It would be called tinning, right? Beaning consists of emptying the box and throwing away the beans in bulk.
I imagine that being the victim of beaning would be very embarrassing. It’s worse than embarrassing. Beaning is so widespread that the police had to intervene. In fact, they issued beaning alerts, urging people to watch for warning signs.
Which are? According to Michelle Owens, community support worker in Morley, Leeds, traders should “be aware that young people buy large quantities of cans of beans. If you have children living at home, be careful if you see them removing cans of beans from the family home.
Yeah, that makes sense. Yes. It is our duty as citizens to carefully record any sightings of teenagers wearing multipacks, in case they have been radicalized by Big Beaner.
Who tells all these kids to get their heads down? Users on TikTok, of course. The social media platform is full of videos of stray beans, identifying themselves with the hashtag #beanbandits.
Cooling. It spreads quickly too. PSCO Owen’s warning may be new, but Surrey Police appealed more than a month ago after the village of Wonersh was vandalized with loose beans and discarded cans.
Return TikTok. I know. First, everyone was singing sailors’ songs, now this. It’s not as objectionable as the songs of the sailors, however. You remember ? Brr.
What can we do to prevent the rise of beans? Very little. Apart from obeying the advice of the police and remaining vigilant towards teens armed with beans, we are powerless. Beaning can happen anywhere, anytime.
This is all very scary. Do not be afraid ; it’s just a TikTok trend. Give it a week and the beaning will be an old hat – everyone will start eating soap or wearing jelly on their heads or whatever. God, I hate TikTok.
Say: “Beaning is a thoughtless act of vandalism. “
Do not say : “If I catch beans, they’re toast.”