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“Aftercare” is the BDSM practice that we should also use for vanilla sex


When sex is over, does your partner just turn around, pick up their phone, and escape? Maybe they dozed off right away while you’re lying there wide awake looking for a connection. Maybe this is the kind of person who finishes, gathers their things and walks straight for the door. If this all sounds familiar to you, you could probably use some aftercare in your sex life.

In the world of BDSM, aftercare is a post-game ritual in which partners exchange physical or emotional comfort following an intense sexual experience. And it’s high time we made this a standard part of vanilla sex (i.e. non-perverted, conventional) as well.

Aftercare may involve offering your partner a snack or something to drink, cuddling, giving them a compliment, having a good conversation, watching a movie, or treating minor injuries sustained during the BDSM “scene” (that is, the time spent in which two or more partners participate in agreed BDSM activities). You can also talk about what everyone liked – and didn’t – about the experience. What you choose to include in your tracking practice may vary based on your individual preferences.

This type of education helps both partners slowly descend from the exhilarating neurochemical high of the BDSM scene and avoid the low emotional state known as ‘slump’ in perverted circles.

“BDSM play is inherently risky, both physically and emotionally,” sex educator Kenneth Play, creator of the “Sex Hacker Pro” series, told HuffPost. “It implies a higher level of vulnerability and confidence than normal sex. “

“Caring for someone after this is an act of protection and care, helping them to regain normal consciousness,” he said.

Even people who have regular vanilla sex can benefit from the soothing, ingrained feelings of tenderness and affection that follow-up care provides. (And if you’re already used to doing this, then well done!)

“Tracking is definitely not just for BDSM scenes or sex,” Play said. “It’s also something that should be done in casual sex, in my opinion.”

Good sex, no matter how tame or wild it is, requires privacy, vulnerability, and lowering our inhibitions. And it’s not uncommon for people to feel a little depressed, anxious, or otherwise “turned off” after they’ve finished.

“After sex, people are often inundated with intense emotions and neurochemicals like oxytocin,” Play said. “Showing someone love during this time ensures that they feel safe to become vulnerable again with you – or someone else – and protect their heart. If you want to bond with someone , now is the time to do it.

“Aftercare” is the BDSM practice that we should also use for vanilla sex

Willie B. Thomas via Getty Images

It is important to discuss your tracking preferences with your partner before sex is coming.

Tracking isn’t just for people in a relationship (or those who wish to be). Even if you are in a friend-with-benefits situation or have a one-night stand, you can practice these principles.

“While it might seem odd to engage in a follow-up with someone you aren’t seriously dating, it’s still important,” sex therapist Gigi Engle wrote in 2019 for MindBodyGreen. “It’s not about making someone fall in love with you or trying to build a more serious relationship with something casual. This is to ensure that everyone is taken care of with respect and tenderness so that they can leave a sexual experience feeling good about themselves.

“Thoughtful questions and answers about following up, cuddling or going for a walk together afterward can help create a deeper connection. “

– Hudsy Brooke, retired professional dominatrix

Hudsy Brooke, a retired professional dominatrix turned lifestyle coach, said the practice of following up can make all sexual experiences more rewarding and connected.

“Thoughtful questions and answers about following up, cuddling or a walk together afterward can help create a deeper connection,” she said. “Nonverbal actions such as bringing your partner a glass of water, running a bath, or even rubbing their feet can inspire more open follow-up discussions. “

Another benefit of these heartwarming postcoital rituals is that they can help alleviate any feelings of sex-related shame that may arise. A sexual experience that ends too abruptly can exacerbate these negative feelings and leave some people feeling “used”.

“Women, in particular, have been socialized to feel that [sex for] Only sexual gratification is a shameful act, ”Gail Saltz, associate professor of psychiatry at New York-Presbyterian Hospital / Weill Cornell School of Medicine, told MindBodyGreen. “This is of course not the case, but nonetheless, being treated in some way or another afterwards often alleviates these feelings of shame.”

The best time to ask your partner about their tracking preferences – and to share yours – is before you get to work, Brooke said. If you are a little worried about being so outspoken about your needs, know that it is normal to feel this way. But having these honest conversations in advance is worth it.

“It’s hard to guess correctly or read minds, especially when we’re in the heat of the moment,” Brooke said. “At the end of a meeting, we are usually left to our own thoughts and interpretations of what happened. When we have information on how to safely return to normal, everyone wins. ”

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The Huffington Gt

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